Part 4: Li Suyuan

As a little girl, I lived in a farm in one of the remote provinces in China, which was surrounded by mountains and was actually a few miles away from the Limestone Pinnacles. My father was a farmer, harvesting rice and vegetables as well as raising poultry. There were seven children in my family--I was the fourth child. We were not rich but we were not poor either. My bowl was full three times a day and we were all healthy and happy. Oftentimes, my siblings and I would roam the hills with the few neighborhood children living nearby, laughing, running, and shouting as if the world was ours. In the morning, my elder sister would sometimes get a fresh egg from one of our chickens and I would open my mouth wide as she cracked the egg above my mouth and the yolk would fall in. She said it was healthy for me. In the afternoons, we would help our parents with their chores and it was quite fun, actually, since there were so many of us. Being one of the younger children, I was given easier chores than my older siblings. And at night, we would all retire in our mats on the floor, with the cool breeze blowing into our windows.

It was a quiet, peaceful, and remote place where we lived. But it was not as if we were completely isolated from the world. We were, in fact, just fifteen minutes away from the town. Of course, since my father was a farmer, he had business in the market. Near the market was this big house where a very rich man lived. He owned a carpet factory and had a wife plus four concubines and many bad children. They were snobby and walked with their faces towards the sky and looked down on everyone else, and I suppose that is why my sister commented that they had such long noses, like a crow's beak.

Whenever we would venture into town, we would annoy his children by tapping their backs then hiding. We would also make up stories about them--funny stories. Such as "perhaps, that boy is so fat because he eats ten times a day." These were our enemies.They were like the missionary ladies at our school who were insolent and bossy.

But our farm was far better than the rich man's house because it was full of mystery and adventure, unlike his house which probably had strange and frightening things. In a way, I considered myself richer. And I was a pretty girl, too. And my family was happy.

There were times when I would become wild. I would join in my brothers' games and I would be the only girl. As a result, I would end up with a lot of bruises, scracthes, and wounds and my hair would be all tangled up. At night, my mother would sort out the tangles, yanking a comb through my disobedient hair. It would hurt so much that I was surprised I did not bleed. "Ai-ya, Suyuan," she would tell me. "If you do not take care of yourself, you will be like the ladies of the lake.

These were the ladies who drowned themselves in shame because they had lost their faces and therefore, they would drown themselves in their shame. I heard some years later that one of the rich man's daughters became one of them because she had a child out of wedlock. So of course, nobody wanted to be like them because it was a dishonorable thing.

When I was seven, I had seen my eldest brother leaving our farm to get married. Then my other brother left when I was nine. And then my eldest sister was married off, courtesy of the matchmaker, when I was twelve. My brothers had chosen wives on their own--this was a new marraige trend that was vvvvveeeerrrrryyyyy slowly entering our society. But my mother made my sister do the Matchmaker tradition so that we would still have some sense of Chinese culture in our family. We were women--we could not make our own decisions. My brothers were men--even my mother could not make their decisions. We women had to do whatever the elder people told us. And at my sister's wedding ceremony, I thought about my own future which was not far away. What if I got paired up with someone like the rich man and his family? I doubted that a man would come to this part of China. All I could do was sit and wait for what ever may come.

A year after my sister's marraige, my mother went to have a meeting with the Matchmaker since my marrying age was near. I was thirteen and it was a hot summer's day and the cicadas were screeching noisily. I returned from helping my father gather rice and walked into the house. As I entered, I saw my mother sitting in the living room and talking with two women. One was old and wrinkled and wore very thick makeup. The other was wearing loads of jewelry and was plump, and yet she had a pretty face and porcelain skin.

My mother then looked up and saw me. "Ah...Suyuan...come here!" She gestured to me.

I knew my manners so I obediently and quietly walked over to her side, removing my hat as I made my way.

My mother held my arm and said, "Li Taitai, Matchmaker, this is my daughter, Gu Suyuan."

I then learned that the wrinkled lady was the Matchmaker and the plump yet pretty lady was the mother of the boy I was to marry when I turned sixteen. Li Taitai looked like a wealthy lady and all of a sudden, I got this sick feeling inside my stomach--what if she was like my nemesises? But I kept a straight face and smiled politely.

They first scrutinized my from head to toe, which made me uncomfortable, then started murmuring comments. "Ah..she's so white..." "So fair and pretty even if she is wearing that old working dress..." "Her neck is so long like a goose..."

"Yes, she's beautiful...she works hard...she's very obedient...she's just shy today that is why she is not saying much," said my mother.

After their talk, they arranged for me to see the Matchmaker when I turned sixteen so that she could test on whether I would make a good wife or not.

In the coming months, I learned more about my future husband, whom I had never seen before. He was a military man, strong and determined, about two years older than me. I was scared. What if he was hard on me? And I learned that the Lis were indeed a wealthy family. What if they would turn me into a slave? Every night, I cried, worried and afraid. I didn't dare let my mother see me cry. She put so much effort into arranging this for me. During my time, I couldn't voice out my opinion in the way you do now. I had no right to.

I savored the last remaning years of mine on the farm. I helped my parents and played with my younger siblings, being the eldest child in the family now. And soon, I turned 16 and took the Matchmaker's test. I passed. I least I made some people happy. But I was afriad of what would follow.

And a few weeks later, it was the wedding. Before the marraige, my mother gave me a ring to treasure forever and to remember her by: a watery blue sapphire ring. It was so beautiful that I could not take my eyes off it. But soon, I had to face the matter. On the outside I was firm but on the inside, I was trembling and shaking. I had a red veil over my face and felt like a blind person throughout the ceremony, only hearing the voices and music around me. All I could see of my husband were his hands--they looked strong. Afterwards, I was taken to my new home and led upstairs to my new room where I would wait for my husband. When everyone left and all was quiet, I removed my veil (which I was already so tired of since it had been blinding me the whole day) and looked around. I gasped.

The room was huge, full of antique furniture with a large wooden cabinet to my right and a large oval mirror in one side. I was sitting on a large bed with silk sheets (well, I could already see the sheets whenever I would look down). A window with silk curtains were to my left. I stood up and walked over to it to have a look at the view. The moon was almost hidden but I had a faint glimpse of what was outside. I saw a pagoda silhouetted and a small body of water, slightly rippling. I could see trees with all kinds of blossoms. It was dark but I could tell it was a beautiful garden. The sweet aroma of the blossoms floated all the way up to my room.

Just then, I heard footsteps approaching. I quickly ran back to the bed and pulled the wretched veil over my face. I heard the door open and a pair of shiny black shoes walked towards me.. Finally, they stopped right in front of me. I then spoke, "I prayed to the gods many days for you so that you would not be too ugly or conceited."

Then, a hand yanked the veil off my face (finally!) and when I saw my new husband, I nearly fell off the bed.

He was dressed in a gorgeous robe with a golden sash tied around his waist and was standing tall and strong. He was very good-looking. I was most attracted to his eyes. They were like a hawk's--so sharp and dramatic.

I gasped. "My prayers have been answered!"

He smiled at me. "Gu Suyuan, right?"

I nodded.

"Well now, you are Li Suyuan."

"Oh...yes," I stammered.

We did not make love on our first night. How could we? We had just met! Even if he was handsome, I knew it would be awkward. So that night, and for the first nights of our marraige, we slept as brother and sister.

My new family was very nice to me. During breakfast the next morning after my first night, they offered me lots of food! And what delicious food! Food from all over the world. Tea from England, this round soft thing covered with sticky, sweet syrup that was called a pancake--I was delighted. Obviously, my in-laws were fond of foreign things. They had given me French perfume as a welcome gift but personally, I hated the smell. It was too strong, unlike the blossoms which were lightly-fragranced.

Months passed and I was adjusting well.The Lis were far from the snobs I had expected them to be. And my mother-in-law was patient in waiting for a grandchild. She did not push me into bed and make my lie there all day. She was very patient.

My husband and I got to know each other as the months passed and one night, when we knew that we finally knew each other well enough and loved each other, we did it. Days later, there was a baby in my womb. But alas, the baby came out 6 months laterand was stillborn! Such a pity--the baby was a girl and so pretty!

A year later, I was with child again. And again, it was a failure. the baby was a boy and so cute--but he was born with two heads and a very small heart. He died a day after his birth and we buried him beside the place where we had buried his elder sister.

One night, I looked at myself in the mirror and began to cry. Why were all my attempts to have children failures? Why were they always in bad condition? Was there something wrong with me? I could not figure out because I always took very good care of myself. I began to cry. Maybe, I didn't deserve my in-laws' kindness and this beautiful lifestyle. Maybe I was abnormal.

I heard my husband coming and quickly dried my eyes. I wouldn't dare let him see me cry.

The next day, I was sitting in my room and drinking this drink that they believed would help get me pregnant when my mother-in-law came in. I cowered in fear, afraid she would slap me because of all my failures. But instead, she sat beside me and put an arm around me.

"Suyuan," she said. "I know that you are trying hard because you are a very good daughter-in-law to me and my husband and a very good wife to my son. I have faith that you can still produce children. Remember, I believe in you." She bent forward and kissed my cheek, then turned and left.

I felt much better after that. I decided to take a walk in the garden. As I was strolling on the bridge, I caught sight of the ancestral shrine. Maybe, prayer would help.

So everyday I made a trek there. I prayed for good children. Honorable children. And I made many offerings to Buddha as well. That is how I became religious. Even today, I still make it a pact to pray to our ancestors and to Buddha.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, our prayers were answered. I was with child. And I prayed that nothing would go wrong this time. We all held our breaths as the months passed by. Fifth...sixth...seventh...eighth...and nothing went wrong. The ninth month rolled in, but then we were in a frightening situation.

China was under attack by the Mongols, similar to the Huns which came years later. These ruthless men invaded our country and pried into our villages and homes as well! They stole the valuables, raped the women, beat up the elders, and abused the children. My father-in-law, the General, went into battle and allowed his son to stay with me and my mother-in-law, especially since my baby was due very soon. (Wasn't that kind of him?)

We soon evacuated the house and told all the servants to leave when we had word that the Mongols were approaching our villages and fled into the mountains. Had it been a peaceful moment, all my childhood memories would have returned. But there was a war and we had to run for our lives. It was so difficult and my husband had to support me a lot.

On our way out, a Mongol appeared out of nowhere and blocked our path! My husband drew his sword, ready to attack and defend us. Then the Mongol said, "I will kill all of you unless you give me all the valuables that you have with you right now."

We were thankful that this Mongol was not as unmerciful as the others. But it was still painful for us to part with our jewelry, especially the heirloom ones! I had to hand over that watery blue sapphire ring which drew coveting stares from women--that ring from my mother! We also had to hand over our wedding rings and Li Taitai had to seperate with a South China pearl necklace which had been in our family for many generations! We were all pained as we had one last, agonizing look at them. Why, she was intending for me to wear that necklace when her time had come! But we sacrificed for each other and for the baby we had been waiting so long for.

The Mongol then stuffed our jewelry in his pocket and disappeared. I was scared and I was in pain. It was terrible.

We went deeper into the forest until I could no longer hold on and let out a cry of pain. "I...I think the baby's coming," I croaked weakly. My mother-in-law held me tight.

My husband looked around and spotted a ditch nearby. "Here," he said. "We can rest in this ditch and Suyuan can deliver our child here." I dragged myself to the ditch leaning heavily on the support of my husband and mother-in-law. It seemed like a long journey even if it was only two feet away but I finally made it. They laid me down there and I positioned my legs apart from each other.

"Are you ready, dear?" my mother-in-law asked.

"Yes!" I replied.

"OK...start pushing!"

It was painful. It was unbearable. It was as if there was a stone of pain in my stomach and the pain had spread throughout my body. It was very difficult. My mother-in-law helped me deliver while my husband stayed by my side and held my hand.

So went the hard labor of giving birth. I was already starting to think that I was going nowhere until my mother-in-law said, "I see the head! Just a few more pushes, dear!"

Slowly...painfully...the upper part of the body came out...then the lower part....then the legs...the pain was at its climax but soon the baby was out and the pain immeadiately vanished.

"It's a boy!" my mother-in-law gasped. "And what a handsome little boy he is!" She wiped the substances off him and handed him over to me.

My husband and I looked at our newborn son and smiled. "Oh...he's so cute," my husband said. And he certainly was.

He was so chubby, like a little Buddha. Chubby little fingers, arms, legs, toes, and a perfectly round face.

"What will you call him?" my mother-in-law asked.

I thought. We had been fleeing before he was born....running...soaring like the wind from the Mongols...and I felt that in the future, he would also be able to soar...soar high like the wind, strong, mighty, proud, quick, bringing honor to us all since we had prayed so hard for him...and suddenly I knew what name to call him.

"Shang," I said, at the same time my husband said it.

"Perfect!" my mother-in-law said.

We looked at each other and smiled. Perhaps, he had been thinking the same thing I was thinking. Later, he whispered to me what had inspired him to think that up and sure enough, it was the same thought as mine.

Truly, this was something I would never forget. His name would remind us of this experience, always.

We stayed in the mountains for a long time, living very primitively. It was not easy but we managed. Little Shang brought joy to us even though he could be difficult to take care of sometimes. But we enjoyed it. We had waited so long and now he was here.

Soon, we heard word that the Mongols were defeated from a farmer we had run into (he was alone and was able to sneak in and out of town to catch up on the latest happenings) and so we returned. Our house was badly damaged and many of our valuables were gone. The furniture was scratched and the walls had holes all over. But all of us were safe and that was important. I held baby Shang to my chest and placed a light kiss on his fragile head.

Just then, a messenger arrived from the Imperial Army. "Your husband has fought successfully against the Mongols," he said to my mother-in-law. "However, he was badly injured in the fight and wishes to see all of you."

There was no time to loose. We immeadiately hitched a rickshaw to the army camp. Once we got there, we dashed to the tent where he was lying. When he arrived, he was lying very still with his eyes closed and we were afraid that we were too late. But then he opened his eyes and gave us a weak smile.

"Ai-ya," my mother-in-law exclaimed, running to his side and kissing him. "Are you all right?"

"Well," he said. "I managed to defeat the Mongols but...I guess the messenger told you everything. I am going to die soon."

My husband ran to his side. "Father, you won't. It's too soon to say good-bye."

He squeezed his hand. "No, my time has come. Just let me see my new grandchild."

They beckoned for me to come closer and I walked over and showed him Shang. "He's a boy, Father," I said. "His name is Shang."

"The baby is perfect," said my father-in-law. "Surely, he will bring our family honor. He will be a great war hero. I give him and the rest of you my blessings. Now that all of you are finally here beside me, I can die in peace."

And so saying, he passed away and we broke into mournful wails.

The next day, a state funeral took place.

When we were through with our mourning, we decided to move on with our lives. Certainly, the Supreme Being was very good to us because he gave me and my husband not just one but two beautiful children. The second one arrived when Shang was three years old. The baby was female and we named her Kwan. Two years later, my husband was promoted to the rank of General and that called for a celebration. He died many years later in a battle against the Huns however, and it was long before I accepted his death as part of my life. Over the years, I have learned many things. One is not to generalize. Just because some wealthy people were snobby, it didn't mean that all were. I also learned love, suffering, sacrifice, honor, and filial piety.

Take my daughter for instance. Sometimes, we fight and quarrel like tigers. But later she comes to me, begging for forgiveness and I do forgive her because that is the way a mother loves her daughter. Unconditionally.

I watch my children, my children-in-law, and my grandchildren today with pride and happiness. the results of a sacrifice that my mother-in-law, my husband, and myself made many years ago. The results of our strength, determination, and love. And what beautiful results! Two honorable children to be proud of and beautiful grandchildren to carry the Li's name in the years to come.

Now, I am old and moving each day closer to the end of my life. And yet, I feel that I am also moving closer to the beginning. The beginning of a new life, free from suffering and desires.