Part 5: Wu Kwan

You know how the old saying goes. Like father like son; like mother like daughter. My brother, Shang, has had a harmonious relationship with our father, who died many years ago in a battle. I, on the other hand, have had a rocky relationship with my mother. I was sort of like the opposite of Shang. Not that I was the black sheep of the family (because there aren't any black sheep in our family anyway). But I was very rebellious while he was so obedient. It has been like this since my childhood days....

When I was five, I discovered a talent I had: playing the pipa. I came across a pipa that was lying in our family living and began plucking at the strings. This pipa was a souvenir that my grandmother, who passed away when I was seven, bought while vacationing in Wushi.

I then found myself growing more and more attached to this instrument. By the end of the week, the pipa was no longer lying in the living room for a decoration but went around with me wherever I went. I grew so attached to that thing. Shang knew how much I loved that pipa, so he'd often hide it.

Oh yes, I've had a wonderful relationship with my brother--plus our sibling quarrels. Shang and I belonged to the same group of playmates when we were kids. So we were often together. He's a great brother but sometimes, he gets on my nerves. Great because he was fun to play with and often, he would stand up for me whenever bullies would pick on me. There was this time he and I brought English biscuits to school for recess. One of the bullies snatched my lunchbag from me while I was eating and Shang punched him in the stomach then retrieved my lunchbag.

Got on my nerves sometimes because he would play annoying jokes on me, such as hiding my beloved pipa. He once pretended that he had dropped it in the river near our house when we were playing hear it one day, and I began crying and wailing, thinking that my precious instrument was gone forever. Then he retrieved it from his back and began laughing. Angry and relieved at the same time, I snatched the pipa from his hands and stomped back to the house, while he was still laughing like a lunatic.

And of course, we had our usual fights, such as who would get to sit up front at the rickshaw, who saw this and that first, etc. But generally, we had so much fun together, especially when we would play tricks on Chi Fu, a former aide of the emperor who became a rickshaw driver. I know this because Shang told me about it when he arrived from Hong Kong (he was there because of some army thingie) with his fiancee, Tin-Hau, because Chi Fu was the driver of the rickshaw that brought them back here, he said. It was so funny. :)

Going back to my interest for the pipa, my grandmother was psyched that I was using the instrument she bought and my mother because so enthusiastic about it, that she immediately decided that I should become a professional pipa player.

"From now on, practice everyday so that you will become very good!" she told me.

All of a sudden, I felt angry. I felt as if my mother was deciding my life for me. Now I wouldn't have minded if Mama hadn't emphasized so much on it. But she did. And I didn't really feel like playing the pipa anymore as much as I used to. But Shang told me that Mama was saying that because she was proud to have such a musically talented person as her daughter. Perhaps, he saw it that way because he was so close to Baba and therefore understood adults. So I decided to stick to what Shang told me.

Mama then got a pipa teacher to come to our house--she got one because according to her, it would "sharpen my skills even more since this man is a professional." I secretly rolled my eyes at that when she wasn't looking. My lessons were three times a week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I didn't want the lessons. But I still heeded my brother's words and went along. By the time I was nine, I was a professional. A child prodigy. I could play opera songs, traditional songs, classical songs....you name it! But then, Mama was starting to get on my nerves. Sometimes when I would practice in my room, she would perpetually flutter in and out of my room like a mosquito--adjusting the fan, opening and closing the windows and lamps, and sometimes simply sitting on my bed and watching me intently. I had difficulty concentrating so one day, I told her, "Mama, I can't concentrate when you keep coming in and out like that."

"Why? You do not want me anymore?" she asked.

"That's not what I said!" I exclaimed. "It's just that I need absolute silence and stillness to concentrate."

"No, that's what you are trying to imply," she argued.

"No I'm not!" I protested. "It's just that....oh never mind, I'm finished anyway." I slammed my pipa down on my desk and stormed into Shang's room.

"Geez, Shang!" I said. "Mama can be so annoying sometimes!"

He looked up from a book he was reading. "Why? What did she do?"

"Well, she keeps flitting in and out of the room when I'm practicing and it kinda disturbs me. So I told her how I felt and then she twisted what I was trying to say?"

Shang's eyebrows creased. "What did she say?"

"She said that I didn't want her anymore--but I wasn't thinking about that!"

"Well," Shang began. "Maybe she just loves listening to you and wants to be near you because she's proud of you. And maybe perhaps she said that because she feels as if she's being left out. Grownups think very differently from us kids, you know."

What he said made sense. So I tried my best to tolerate her. But somehow, it wasn't easy to apply his words when my mother was actually doing it. But I tried my best.

Yes, I have a great brother. As well as a terrific playmate, he also gave me good advice (and still does). He and I are both number one in our classes at school, but I feel that he's more at the top than I am because he could understand adults so well.

One day, I was given a chance to play before the Emperor at a dinner party. Since my father was in the Imperial Army (where my brother is now), we had connections with the royals so naturally, we were invited. I guess my mother's "my daughter is the best" thingie had reached all the way to the Emperor. Perhaps, she was proud of me, just like what Shang said. After hearing the heart-warming applause of the audience that night, especially the applause of my family and the Emperor, I then felt so proud of myself. And I felt that if I was this happy in life, my life would be permanently happy and jocund. I thought that I would always feel like the way I felt tonight.

But I was wrong.

Ever since my Imperial pipa debut, my mother would often parade in public places with me whenever she would go out and I was not doing anything at home. She would hold my hand and show me off to people she knew (especially the elite socialites of our society) and with her hand gesturing towards me, she would say, "Ah....this is my daughter, Li Kwan, professional pipa player and child prodigy. Her teacher is proud of her...and she has even played before the Emperor..." and would ramble on about my other events, while I would stand with a fake smile on my face. I didn't like it.

Every other day, there she went--strutting around, holding my hand in her hand and my pipa in her other hand. There were even some people who asked me to give a demo. In public.

I soon began to forget what Shang had told me. I was starting to feel like...like one of Mama's imported furniture from Southeast Asia and Tibet which she would display in our house and proudly show off to visitors. In other words, I felt like an object...a decoration. Just something used to make other people look great.

I decided one day that I had it. We were walking in the market when I suddenly stopped in my tracks.

"I wish you'd stop doing that, telling everyone about my pipa thingie and about this 'she is my daughter' thingie!" I said out of the blues.

"Why? Are you ashamed to be with your mother?" she asked, her voice lowering in a dangerous manner.

There! She did it again!

She was twisting my words!

"That's not what I said!" I almost shouted. I was too angry to think of anything else that I didn't care if passers-by were giving me looks.

"Then what are you trying to say? Look at me!" she demanded, her eyes turning into angry black slits.

I stared at the ground, my lips tightly pressed for a few seconds. Finally, I looked up and blurted out what I had been itching to say all this time: "Why do you have to use me to show off? Do I look like any of your furnitures of whatsoevers to you? If you wanna show off, then why don't you learn to play the pipa?"

Right after that, I broke free from her grasp and ran. I felt free, like a prisoner who had managed to escape the chains binding him. I ran into an old lady and her groceries fell on the ground.

"Ai-ya! Stupid girl! Kwan, come back here now!" Mama shouted, while running over to help the lady at the same time.

Of course I didn't come back. I ran and ran and ran until my feet were terribly worn out. I had been running for five miles and was already at the river bend, almost on the other side of the river and very far from our house. I sat under a tree and stared at the calm, blue waters. I remember hearing a story about a water princess when I was younger and wished that I could just throw myself into the river and become the princess of that river and leave my troubles behind. I didn't want to go home because I knew I would be punished. But I knew I had to leave sooner or later.

Then I thought about what Shang said. Why, oh why, had I forgotten that? Why had I lost my temper? I was full of regrets. My brother always made sense. Yet, I had forgotten about it when I was in the actual situation.

Night was falling and the woods were beginning to get spooky. I began to hear strange noises so I knew what I had to do.

I stood up and walked five long miles back to my house.

When I arrived, I could hear the clatter of chopsticks against the porcelain plates. I knew it was dinnertime already. Taking a deep breath, I slowly entered the house and walked into the dining room. My family was eating in silence. My father was the only one who looked up at me and without a word, he pointed to my seat in the table, between Mama and Shang.

I felt cold chills running down my back. Shang gave me a quick glance and turned back to his noodles. My mother then said, "This girl doesn't want to have anything concerning us. So we won't have anything concerning this girl."

My head drooped like a sad dog and suddenly, I turned and ran upstairs to my room. Nobody called for me to come back. I felt like I was not wanted.

I locked myself in my room and wept, sad, angry, and frustrated.

Shang was the only one who spoke to me out of our whole family. He told me, "Why did you do that? Don't you remember what I told you--about Mama being proud of you? "

"I do, Shang," I said. "It's just that...I felt like a mere object for decoration. Like those things she loves showing off." I told him about her public "parades."

"That could not be and never was Mama's way of looking at you. She loves you and she's proud of you and that's why she loves telling people that you are a great pipa player and that you are her daughter. Father shows me off a lot at the army camp too, you know. Showing off their kids is just one of the many ways parents display pride in them. Would you rather have Mama be ashamed of you and ignore you as if you were a disgrace?"

Again, my brother made sense. Man, I swear that he was even wiser than Confucius!

So after weeks of not speaking to her, I timidly approached her one day, when she was stitching in her room. "Mama?" I said. She looked up. "I'm sorry."

No words were spoken, but she put down her needlework and walked over to me and embraced me. And I embraced her back, tears falling from my eyes.

I wish I could say that that was the last fight I had with my mother. But it wasn't. Every few weeks, we would always run into a situation wherein we'd end up fighting. Goodness, we would even fight over the stupidest things, such as what to wear, what to cook for dinner, what gifts to get....you know, simple things like that.

Sometimes, she would also say things that embarrassed me. For instance, our school was very strict and had stupid rules such as no wearing of jewelry, heavy cosmetics, long nails, and other fancy accessories because according to them "simplicity is beauty." Whatever. One day, I accompanied my aunt to the parlor who was going to have a manicure and I decided to have one myself. I had clear nail polish on. But when my mother saw my shiny nails, she said in front of everyone, "Ai-ya, is that allowed in school?"

My relatives began to laugh. My father chuckled. And even Shang was laughing. (Hey, it wasn't as if he was a saint.) Me? I was so humiliated.

Humiliated by my own mother.

I didn't speak to her afterwards. In private, I angrily asked her, "Why did you have to ask me that in front of everyone!"

"Ask what?"

Geez! Was she retarded or something? Sometimes I wondered if my mother was retarded. I mean, she would even dress really bad sometimes. But going back...

"That....that 'is that allowed in school' thing!" I spat.

"I am only doing what's best for you. I don't want you to get in trouble at school!"

"Yes, but couldn't you wait till we were alone? Do you have to announce it to the whole world, as if my life revolved around nothing but stupid school rules?"

"Do not EVER use that tone with me again, young lady!" she shouted, slapping me.

"Well you didn't have to embarrass me!" I retorted.

"How was I embarrassing you?"

Sometimes she can be so unbelievably dense. "That statement! It's like....like a question you ask quietly and in private!"

Well, you get the picture of our mother-daughter quarrels.

Shang would still give me advice. We were already growing and he was already in the army.

And speaking of which, he changed the longer he stayed in the army. Both physically and emotionally. Coincidentally, I began to gain more friends until I learned one day that they had a crush on Shang and were only using me to see him.

I'm a smart person, and I can eventually see into other people's intentions as time passes by. I noticed that sometimes, during one of their visits to my house, they would barely pay attention to me and spend more time flirting with my brother. It wasn't long before I dropped them from my circle of friends.

There was this time when my father and brother were gone for a very long time because they had to battle this fierce, ruthless, and bloodthirsty group called the Huns who had invaded China.. Naturally, my father and brother, being in the Imperial Army, had to fight. We bade each other a tearful farewell and the departed.

It seemed like CENTURIES before Shang returned from the war, with both good news and bad news. The good news was that they had defeated the Huns. The very bad news was that Baba was dead. We were all grieving for a very long time. Shang could not shed tears in public since he's a man, but I have seen him cry since I am his sister. We laid Father in our ancestral graveyard. I was sobbing like anything during the funeral while Shang held my hand, wearing a very sober expression on his face.

After that, he told us about Mulan--that girl who took her father's place in the army and pretended to be a man. I got to meet her a few months after the battle when she was visiting us. She was Shang's best friend, but some paranoid people, Mama included, were thinking that there was a romantic relationship between the two of them.

And you know, the battle was such big news and soon my brother became a heartthrob all over China since his photo was always in the periodicals; and soon his fame spread throughout Asia and then all over the world. Because of this, we had to buy enormous padlocks for the door to protect Shang from his screaming fans that managed to trace his whereabouts. I felt a bit squeamish about this. I dunno why...it's hard to explain your feelings when your own brother becomes a heartthrob--a guy whom millions of girls love and lust for. It was well...weird and gross.

Soon, my mother decided to marry me off and send me to the Matchmaker. That caused another quarrel for us.

"Mother!" I protested. "That is such an old, backward practice! Only the people living in remote villages do that! But we live in an advanced society!"

"Li Kwan," my mother said, her voice raising. (I could tell she was fuming since she had called me by my full name.) "I am your mother. Confucius said that the child must obey the parents, and therefore you must obey me."

"But mother!"

"I told you...do NOT use that tone with me!"

"But mother," I said, trying to keep my voice at an even level. "We're not in the olden times anymore. Society has changed, traditions have changed...."

"I HAVEN'T CHANGED!!!" she thundered. "You must obey me. There are two kinds of daughters: obedient and those who follow their own minds. Only one kind of daughter can live in this house. Only one kind of daughter belongs to the Li family: the obedient kind!"

"Then how come Shang gets to choose his spouse?" (I knew that sounded childish but I was so angry already.)

"Are you blind, my dear? Your brother is a MAN! You are a WOMAN! When I was your age, my brothers could choose their own spouses but I could not!"

"But this isn't your time anymore!" I yelled, and stormed out of the house.

A few days later, I eloped. With who? With this guy I met at a friend's house.

I was visiting her one day and we were sipping tree and sitting underneath the bamboo trees. Some feet away from us was her half-brother and cousins and some of their friends (she had a half-brother because her father had concubines. My father, fortunately, never had concubines and we were all glad of that). One of the men looked up and our eyes met. He was gorgeous. He had bulging calf muscles and a deep, masculinity sexy laugh. Blushing, I lowered my eyes towards my tea. My friends began whispering and giggling while I sat as still as a statue, except for when I would occasionally sip my tea.

Later, he met me outside the house and we chatted and got to know each other better. I knew my family wouldn't approve of our relationship so we had rendezvous nightly. When I told him that my mother was driving me crazy, he suggested we elope and get married. That we did.

I never had any kids with him and I was glad that I didn't. Our marriage only lasted for eight months. Because a few weeks after the wedding, he began coming home in the wee hours of the morning. According to him, he was "busy." One day, I found his shirt covered with foreign lipstick marks. So I spied on him the next evening and sure enough, I caught him about to go to bed with another woman. As I said before, I am smart and even before I discovered that shirt, I noticed other signs. Whenever a strikingly beautiful woman with tons of curves would walk by, his eyes would go up and down her and stick to her like a magnet.

Yes, this was a man so bad, that is why I did not mention his name. I filed for a divorce shortly after I discovered his infidelity and philandering ways. When the marriage was through, I wondered if I should go back home.

I remembered that night years ago when I was hesitant to go back home. Now, I was in the same situation again.

I then felt as if I was not worthy enough to live in that house, since I had married without my mother's consent. And my father was probably turning in his grave. I felt as low as a prostitute. Then, I made up my mind--I would go to my house, confess to Mama and Shang, then leave for the mountains and live there like a hermit until the day I died. And I would be so forgotten by then, that people would soon think that Shang was an only child.

So I traveled all the way back home, by boat then by a train. The old familiar river soon came into view and as I reached my house, I noticed my mother sitting in front, as if expecting me.

I bowed my head low and taking a deep breath, I slowly approached her. "Mama, I just want to confess to you what I have done. I eloped with a man and got married. But he was a bad man and so we got divorced. But now, because of this foolish act, I feel as if I am not worthy to live in your house. I just came here to tell you good-bye and that I will miss you and still love you. And tell Shang that I love him, too. I'm sorry, Mama, and good-bye."

But just as I turned to leave, my mother took her hand and embraced me tightly. Tears flowed from my eyes, and hers as well. "It's all right Kwan," she said. "I forgive you."

I embraced her back.

"Please Kwan," she said. "You are welcome to stay here anytime. I do not want to be separated from my daughter."

Just then, Shang came out. "Kwan!" he said, surprised.

"Shang!" I exclaimed. I then threw my arms around him.

"Oh, I've missed you so, Sis," he said, hugging me.

"I missed you too, Bro," I said.

And then, the three of us shared a group hug, tears of joy flowing from our eyes.

That night, my mother told me, "Kwan, I will give you a choice....would you like to choose your own husband or would you like to have the Matchmaker do it for you?"

I was too surprised to speak. And happy too. I guess Mama finally understood the change of tradition. But I didn't know what to say. Finally, I said, "We shall wait and see, Mama. But don't worry, I promise you I won't die an old maid. I really don't know right now."

"All right," she said.

I prayed to the ancestors and to Buddha to help me make a decision. This was really tough and confusing as well. I hoped that I could find an answer soon.

I did soon. One day, I was running some errands for Mama. My brother had been promoted to the rank of General and we were throwing a celebration. I was hurrying around when a clumsy little kid bumped me and all my things fell. The stupid kid ran off without even apologizing so I had to bend down and pick up the whole kaboodle by myself. Just then, a young man rushed over to help. I was so thankful--especially since that day, I felt as if I was carrying the whole world in my hands. He was a nice man, quite handsome and intelligent--in fact he was studying to be a doctor. His name was Wu Chiao-yen.
He was an only child--his parents were killed in a flood when he was young and had to live independently. But he managed and now he was having a course in Medicine. I was really impressed by his willingness and strength, not to mention his charming personality. I told him about myself--except about my first, disastrous marriage.
We took quite a liking to each other and he courted me for a year. He met my family and all, although my mother was scrutinizing him at first. But he proved himself to be a good man and he worked very hard to prove it. Finally, my mother gave her approval. And soon, we were married, almost a year after my brother married Tin-Hau. And we had three kids: Jing-mei, our eldest daughter, and our adorable twins--a boy and a girl--Bing-Bing(the boy) and Ying-Ying(the girl). They all grew up beautifully. Since Chiao-Yen had no family, he moved into our house. And very soon, he was officially a doctor.

One day, while Jing-mei was with my niece, Ko-Ngai, and Bing-Bing was with my brother and my nephew, Kouan, I found little Ying-Ying fiddling with something I hadn't touched in years. My pipa. Now, my daughter seemed greatly interested in it. I walked over to her and smiled. "Mama knows how to play that," I said. "Do you want to learn how?" "Yes!" cried Ying-Ying, clapping her hands enthusiastically.

And together, we began plucking the strings and making beautiful music.